holy fucking shit
So this month was my first month of treatment with my team… I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FAILLURE. I know i’ve “technically” made huge strides but it just feels like failure. I binge all the time… and i can’t seem to purge enough. and i hate the full feeling. I hate fucking feeling fat. In a month i think i’ve gained ten pounds…. IM SCARED. but its because of the binging not the normal eating. my ED is just so strong. It encompasses my whole life. I don’t know what life would be like if i had times during the day where I could be free of the prison that is my disorder. And trust me prison is no exaggeration. thats what this feels like. Im genuinely trying… and FAILING i just feel so down about everything. I think its the food coma. Oct 1 starts my intensive outpatient therapy… IM FUCKING TERRIFIED. 3 HOURS with other disordered strangers and then a meal. WHAT IF IM THE FATTEST ONE THERE. =( fuck fuck fuck. I can’t start group this fat. I hate myself. Why me. WHY WHY WHY. I feel like i can’t even live my life. Im 23 i should be busy working school friends family happy happy happy. NO. INSTEAD IM IN THERAPY. I am costing my family so much money. And im miserable. I just didn’t realize how bad my disorder was. its all very overwhelming. and i just feel tiny and my disorder is huge…. and i’ll never win. ill never overcome. FUCK. therapy is taking away my entire life…… its supposed to help and im sure it is… but it gets worse before it gets better. and its making restricting seem like a baad thing…. so thats gone. and binging seems uncontrolable. and my emotions seem daunting. I almost wish my addiction were like…. cocaine or something i could just quit….. unfuckingfortunately you can’t quit food. i wish. i tried. i can for a little while then i binge. i envy the self control anorexic people have. sometimes i wish i had that disorder…. i know that might upset some people who suffer from it… because im sure its just as hard to recover from… but at least then id be thin if i never ate.